What Is Love? How I Discovered My Love Language

It is really amazing to think of love and realize that something we all yearn so desperately for is also the one thing that is so difficult for us to understand and define. And it becomes even more difficult to define because every day our understanding of life and the experiences we have change us, so too does our understanding and capability of love also change along with it. In essence some may say that true love is a constantly moving target!

What is love?

One of my all-time favorite definitions of love is:

Love is a homemade warm chocolate chip cookie and a glass of cold milk.

Over the years, I’ve learned something that feels important to name. While many of us spend a large part of our lives wanting to be loved, wanting to be chosen, wanting to receive love, the deepest experience of love often arrives in an unusual way. It arrives when we find someone we cannot help but love. Someone whose happiness matters to us, not because we need them to complete us, but because caring for them feels natural.

As humans, our primary emotional need is to feel loved. For love, we would move mountains, cross oceans, travel through deserts, and endure unimaginable hardships. Material things are no replacement for human love. Yes, the power of love is that intensely strong. King Edward VIII abdication of the throne for love is a prime example. However, the in-love euphoria experience only lasts about two years. After that, we will return to reality and begin to examine our relationship.

Most of us spend our lives searching for selfish love. We see something like a fancy car or house or a pretty person and think how much we would enjoy that thing to make us happy. And then, let us use that thing however we want to make us happy! In reality what is the greater gift is when you find there is someone that you cannot help but love, and that their happiness and joy and well-being matter more to you than your own. In fact, when we are lucky enough to experience this love, we suddenly find we no longer even care about our own feelings but are entirely focused on the other person and their needs and desires. Can you imagine a relationship where both parties feel that way about each other? That is where true love begins. And that kind of love requires effort, discipline, and a willingness to learn and tune into your partner's love language because we all speak different love languages.

Love is a choice.

Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different. When we choose active expressions of love, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures. - The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

The five love languages. How do we meet each other’s deep emotional need to feel loved?

When we feel secure in our love, our love tank is full. The entire world looks bright, and we move forward to reach our highest potential in life. But when our love tank is empty, the opposite happens: we fall back into self-doubt and insecurity and will likely never reach our potential for good in the world.

1. Words of Affirmation

One of the best ways to express love emotionally is to use words, especially verbal compliments, and expressions of appreciation. When we receive affirming words, we are more likely to reciprocate.

2. Quality time

Quality time means giving someone your undivided attention. It communicates that we care about each other and enjoy doing things together. A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. And togetherness has to do with focused attention.

3. Receiving gift

Gifts are visual symbols of love, something you can hold in your hand and say” Look, he was thinking of me or she remembered me.” Physical presence in a crisis time is the most powerful gift you can give someone if their primary love language is receiving gifts.

4. Acts of service

By acts of service, it means doing things to help and support in practical ways. Requests give directions to love but demands stop the flow of love.

5. Physical touch

Physical touch like holding hands, kissing, embracing are a powerful vehicle for communicating emotional love. Nothing is more important than holding them as they cry if their primary love language is physical touch.

My love language: Receiving gifts

The journey of how I discovered my love language was a bit spontaneous but in no way lacked magic. Growing up in a family with little to no love, receiving gifts was something that only happened in movies, not in real life, as I never saw my dad gift anything to my mom. Until that special day, the day I discovered that receiving gifts is not just a simple act but carries a much bigger message.

I still remember that day vividly. The day I had to put down my dog, Eva was a paralyzed Samoyed dog that I rescued and later discovered she had spinal cancer. Our two years together were full of love and beautiful moments, along with tears and sadness. Anyone who knows me well would understand how devastated I was at that moment. Knowing the depth of my pain from the event, someone I was dating at the time, arranged a parade of gifts with candies, snacks, knickknacks, and a teddy bear wearing a mask (we were in a pandemic lock-down) to cheer me up. At that moment, I cried and realized I had just discovered my love language, receiving gifts and it was him who helped me uncover it.

We eventually became good friends. But the event has greatly improved my relationships with others as I now know how to express and receive love in a new way. As much as I love receiving gifts, they are my main way of filling up my love tank. They don’t need to be expensive. Just a flower from a garden or a hot dog from my favorite place. It has nothing to do with money and everything to do with love. Receiving a beautiful bouquet of flowers along with handmade chocolates on my birthday was one of the sweetest gestures I’ve received from a dear friend. As someone whose primary love language is receiving gifts, the physical presence of a loved one in a moment of need is the most powerful gift of all. As the body is a symbol of love, without it, there is no love. On the few occasions when others have been there for me in my most challenging time, I have cherished those experiences and will hold onto them for a lifetime.

How to discover your own love language

So now, you may ask yourself: What is my primary love language? And how do I discover it?

One of the easiest ways to uncover your love language is by looking at your deepest desires, the things you yearn for the most. Or in the moments when others fail to do so, leaving you feeling deeply hurt. The opposite of that disappointment is potentially your true love language.

Conclusion: Love is an exceedingly small word for an extremely broad range of emotions. A language is worth learning.

So back to my original definition of love. Is the real love contained in the chocolate chip cookie or milk, or the temperature of the cookie or milk? Or is it because someone had the desire to make homemade cookies for you, just in case you might turn up wanting one? And that thoughtfulness and effort is where the trueness of love can begin to be found.

Thank you for reading this far. I hope my story helps you in discovering your love language. Please share yours with me as I love reading stories about finding love.